This is the lowest point in my life

This is the lowest point in my life.

The earliest I said that exact sentence (or at least, from what I can remember) was way back in my sophomore year of high school. I won’t even bother to provide any slight context regarding that yea​r and I won’t even try to write anything eloquent or fucking poetic – I can’t. For a fourteen-year-old, it was the end of the world.

The next time I claimed to be in my “lowest point” was during my first semester of college. The semester right after, I said that sentence again. I did the same for the next semester and the next semester and the next semester. It’s kind of funny, actually. It’s like whenever I believe that yep, okay, I’ve officially hit rock bottom, the universe shakes its head (if it had one, I mean) in disapproval and says, “Nope, you’re not even close.” And then, just to prove a point, the universe or life or some ethereal, omnipotent force—whatever it is—grabs on my foot and pulls me further below. Wonderful.

I’m sorry, universe or life or ethereal, omnipotent force, but I have to disagree with you this time. This, right here and right now, is the lowest point in my life.

In the past, I’ve been beaten down more than a handful of times—what person hasn’t, right? But none of those times could compare to the sheer brutality of this semester. If, in the past, the pain I felt was a series of consistent, forceful kicks to my ribcage that left me with shattered bones and permanent spinal damage; what I feel now can be likened to continuously squeezing my lungs to the point where the amount of oxygen I inhale is enough to keep me alive but not quite, where I’m almost totally suffocated but not quite, where I’m gradually approaching my last breath…

But not quite.

My life is in pieces. Hell, I am in pieces. I’ve been absolutely beaten. I am utterly lost and confused and directionless. I am the living embodiment of exhaustion. I spend every waking moment thinking “This is as bad as it gets.” only to have that stupid thought thrown back at my face as I am continually dragged below rock bottom and into the blackest, most haunting depths of oblivion. I am constantly at an internal war with myself, repeatedly fluctuating between feeling nothing at all and feeling too much. I have unravelled into a complete wreck – the sort of hopeless, devastating mess people choose to walk away from. Yet, as I write this at an ungodly hour of the morning, listening to the saddest Spotify playlist I could find, I am fully aware that there still exists an imminent probability that it can and probably will get worse. And that’s exactly what makes everything even more unbearable.

It is likely that I’m no longer making any sense. At this point, every thought I’m translating into a string of words only succeeds in creating a giant web of incoherent ramblings. But whatever, you know? I can’t stop writing.

Basically, it sucks. Everything continuously fucks you over and it sucks. There. Plain and simple. Straight to the point. Nothing poetic or creative about it. There’s no need to make it sound flowery and prettier than it actually is, simply because it isn’t. Pretty, that is. Instead, it’s a mess – a chaotic, unforgiving, vengeful, senseless, inescapable mess – and it is breaking me.

Or maybe I’m already beyond repair. Who really knows?

All I know is that right now, at this very moment, I’ve been stripped down to my weakest and most vulnerable. At this very moment, I am on the brink of hopelessness but not quite – I say “not quite” because I’m sure that one way or another, things will somehow find the means to go further downhill, which will, in turn, make me feel even more hopeless than I currently do. And again, that just sucks.

But I’m hoping it won’t. I’m hoping that this is the worst my life could possibly be. I’m sincerely praying that this really is the actual lowest point in my life because I swear to God, I can’t withstand any more.

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Shealea

First of her name. Queen of millennials and the constantly caffeinated. Protector of books. Breaker of norms. Iskolar ng bayan.

41 thoughts on “This is the lowest point in my life”

  1. I love your blog-admittedly it’s been a while since your original post but I have to say I completely identify with your thoughts. I’ ve had some pretty bad moments in my life to and I admire your honesty in putting your feelings out there. All I know is that yes, it can get worse but it can also get better. What counts is that you are a beautiful talented woman and you have the power and intelligence to do what you need to do. Have faith in your essential goodness and the spirit of life within you- and don’t stop moving forward!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time, Shealea! There have been a few low moments in my life (when my parents separated, the depression/insecure stage in my teenage years, and the time I missed my final in college), but always remember that life however unfair does have a way of balancing things out-in that there will be high moments as well. I’m here for you if you need to talk. And I hope that you reach out to your friends and family in real life (so that they can give you physical hugs as well as support). Good luck! And take this time while you’re on your hiatus to heal. Sending positive vibes your way.

    Summer at Xingsings

    (I don’t know I feel like signing off in this comment is appropriate.)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What I always tell myself when I face difficult and even happy moment is “life is in phases, the next phase must come.”
    So just know whenever you experience low moments you come out of it stronger and better.
    It’s the way life is, a coffee bean has to go through hot water (and that’s not me being poetic here).
    Writing helps too (at lest it works for me). Writing for am audience of one (yourself) can help you see things clearly. It enables you see lessons laced in your current situation.
    Stay strong, the lowest moments yous ee might just be the spring board you require.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey Shealea, admittedly I don’t know you, I’ve never met you and I’m posting from the other side of the planet, but I do know this- your blog has brought a lot of joy to a lot of people, including me. Your intelligence, humour and wonderful character shines through in almost every post and you’ve been exceedingly generous with your time to lots of people, especially aspiring authors. So take some time back for yourself, to do what you want to do and just focus on you. Don’t feel pressure to keep your blog or anything else up to date, you don’t owe anyone. Let it all go for a while and just focus on you. We’re all behind you and people will still be here if or when you feel like coming back. You’ve earned it from how much you’ve given already. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey, first, thanks for visiting my page. Second, keep praying to the Lord, in faith, that things will get better and to give you peace and strength. I will pray for Him to do that too. I also encourage you to read some of my other blogs if you haven’t already. I posted one a couple of years ago about not giving up. Psalms 56:8 tells us that God not only sees our tears, but keeps track of them, and in verse 9 there is assurance that our enemies will retreat. Sorry things are bad for you right now, but I believe the Lord will bring you through it better off than before!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dang, I hate to read this, but I am sending all my good thoughts/prayers/vibes your way because you need it. Idk what exactly is going on but don’t forget that it doesn’t hurt to say no to things and to just take time for yourself. <3<3<3

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Aw… I’m sorry you’re going through a rough phase right now. I’ve had phases like this too! It always feel like the end of the world. But no. I’m still here. Things will get better after some time. Listen to all the sad songs you can, let out all that emotion. When you’re tired of being sad, try to be happy. That’s what I did. Stay strong! Sending you a virtual hug right now💕

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time. But like all the previous times you WILL bounce back. This is just for a while. Stay strong ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m so sorry you are going through a hard time right now. I encourage you to talk with any friends/family IRL about what’s going on. We all struggle, there is no shame in asking for help sometimes. I know we don’t know each other, but if you need someone to talk/vent to, please let me know.

    Liked by 2 people

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